Smarter than the average cat

© 1995 Craig Alan Williamson

There goes the alarm clock, just as usual. The time is exactly 7 am. Julie and Bryan will stagger out of bed and then go to wake up their kids, Kerry and Darren. Kerry is the youngest child at 7 years old, and Darren is 3 years her senior. Julie and Bryan are both enjoying successful careers. Bryan is in construction - he is, officially, a 'Flat Unit Conversion Keyhole Extraction Representative' (FUCKER). Julie works in an office - she is a 'Sales Line Uniform Telephonist' (SLUT). Acronyms can be a bitch sometimes.

So there are two parents, and two kids, who are all very happy and cozy in their comfy little house. Since when did they give a thought to the happiness of their fifth member, though? I am what you might call the 'spare limb'. Rather like a toilet amongst a rare breed of humans who do not shit, or a condom dispenser in a nunnery, or a bowl of fruit punch at a high school party. Quite frankly, I am just not needed.

Oh yeah, a cat's life is real easy. All we do is eat and sleep. It's a wonder we don't get bored out of our minds. Well let me tell you, I am bored as fuck. Stuck in the same god damn house for all of my life. Sure, playing with a ball of wool is endless fun. How could I possibly lose interest? Jump, scratch, catch - this shit is better than sex. Yeh, well if it's so much fun, why don't they play with wool? I'll tell you why. Because they have a Nintendo, a CD collection, books, magazines, cable TV, and a car that can take them anywhere in the country for entertainment. Whose crazy notion was it that cats like a life of simplicity?

The McMuffin family just don't consider my needs. I haven't set foot out of this place for over 2 years. This can pose serious difficulties in the socializing department, as you can probably imagine. I haven't got any for a long, long time. I quite fancy that foxy pussy next door, but what chance have I possibly got? Cooped up like this, I can't even begin to get to know her. I made eye contact with her once. That was 7 months and 13 days ago, but since then I've had nothing. I do see other cats from the street though. Roughly once a week, about 5 guys come and take the piss out of me. They'll stand out in front of the house and dance around for a while. Then they will usually piss alongside the wall and dig holes in the garden where they can leave their deposits. Bryan always complains that our garden smells, but he has never really discovered the origin of the stench. I've tried subtle hints but he doesn't understand. I thought that when I did my business in his slipper, the aroma may somehow spark off his memory. But all he did was buy more cat litter trays. Dumb bastard.

The boredom, the wool, the taunting - that is only the half of it. Well, I've had enough. If these people think they can get away with it, they are as mistaken as a wanna-be Hell's Angel with a scooter. I'm not gonna stand for this crap anymore. Today I'm going to exact revenge. My plans have been a long time in the making. This morning I will see the fruits of my labor. And those fruits are not going to be moldy half-eaten bananas. I'm talking resplendent and juicy mangoes, peaches and oranges.

It will be about 45 minutes before the McMuffins leave. In that time I'm going to make quite a statement. And they shan't forget me after they have left - I've made sure of that.

Oh, yeh. Hi Kerry. So you're the first one to 'entertain' me today then. Aren't I the lucky one.

"There, there Sweetpea. Give me a cuddle-wuddle!"

My name is not Sweetpea. And fuck you if you think you're going to stroke me. God, you're an ugly girl. Let's see if we can fix that face of yours. PuuuuuurrrrrrrRRRROOOOWWWWWWWW!!

"Aaaah, aaaah! Mummy! Mummy! Sweetpea scratched me!"

"Is that right, Sheila? Have you been a naughty, naughty cat? I don't know how we put up with you sometimes."

The name is Rickman. Not Sweetpea. Not Sheila. Just because you couldn't agree on a name for me, why should I be lumbered with four different names? And four dumb-ass names at that. And if you thought I was nasty to dear little Kerry, then brace yourself woman. I think it is time for the old 'crazy cat' routine. Ladies and gentlemen, for my next act I shall run wildly through the house, with a manic look on my face. I'll jump on make-up tables, cabinets, and desks, knocking over as much stuff as possible. My current personal best is 15 seconds flat. That particular run included 5 broken bottles, a smashed plate, and a telephone cracked clean in half. Although that may have been my quickest performance, it was by no means the most satisfying. I have uncovered some embarrassing items in my time, none more so than when I managed to get into one of Julie's drawers. Bryan and the kids were surprised when I dragged her vibrator in to the kitchen during breakfast one morning. That one takes some topping.

Ok then, here goes . . .

First upstairs and to the bathroom where I see many cans and bottles and stuff and.....there they go yes I think I can smell cologne now and so will everyone else for the next few weeks but here we go to Darren's room and oh my god this place smells bad but there must be something I can knock over like this TV oh yes whey hey I'm having fun now and there's glass all over the floor and a few sparks flying so now for Kerry's room and does she have anything to damage nah shit I'm nearly being blinded by the pink paint and pink light and pink comforter and pink carpet and pink piggy bank and pink.....whoa the piggy bank hey that's coming down.....nice we have money all over the floor this is so cool now let's do Bryan and Julie's room where I can see hidden Playboy magazines under the bed.....hidden no longer but what else do we have here oh I see the cute China figurine.....that is now in approximately 3,768 pieces in their sink but I see a wardrobe open and what do we have here wow yes it is an array of fine leather bondage gear so I'll just hook some to my body for later now back downstairs where people are confused at the noise and rushing up the stairs so I've just knocked Julie over and she's not too happy but they're all going upstairs now to see the mess so I'll go for the kitchen where we have corn flakes with milk.....aaaah.....and with cat piss but that microwave oven is coming down whoaaa nearly landed on my tail but now I'll knock off some dishes and go to the living room where I can see Bryan's wonderful brand spanking new hi-fi system with CD tray loading system that.....uuuuugh.....aaaah.....has now become a cat litter tray loading system and I think I'd better stop now cuz I'm a bit tired and I'd like to admire my work.

Phew! Hey, now that was fun. A bit of mindless destruction never hurt anyone. I think the noise down here has made all four of them come dashing back downstairs. Hi! Yes, it was me, all me! And look at my snazzy new outfit. It feels a bit tight, but maybe that's the point?

"Tiddles, how could you cause so much trouble? And...SHIT!...ahem...let me take that off you."

Hey, Bryan, I was just getting used to the leather rubbing against my dick. Oh well, I guess it wasn't really my size anyway.

"Aaaaaw, was Sheila a wittle, wittle bit scared?"

Julie is a typical cat lover. I could shoot her mother with an Uzi, while giving her husband a blow job and strangling her son with my bare hands, but she would still feed me Kitty-Treats and stroke me lovingly. The phrase 'dizzy bitch' was invented solely with reference to Julie.

The only one who understands me in the slightest is Darren, and this is reflected in his name for me.

"My TV you stupid cat. My TV! Some day when mum and dad are away I'm going to kill you. You think you're smart, don't you Raptor, huh? You think you're smart."

Well, smarter than the average cat anyway.

They're all very pissed now! The tidying up should keep them busy for a while. Just time for one more little stunt. The paw-down-the-throat trick never fails. I've just got to find the right place to do it. Darren's homework? Kerry's underwear drawer? Hmmm, this is a difficult decision. Or how about...no, this is too good to be true! I think the hot water storage tank should be in a cupboard here somewhere. Let me see...ah, bingo! If I can just get up here above the tank. Perfect! HHHHHHHHCHT. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCHTTT! There we go. Why is this stuff always pink? I never drink strawberry milkshakes, and the stuff they feed me has the color, consistency and odor of camel shit. One of life's great mysteries I guess. Anyway, now my alarm clock is set I can take a little nap.

[20 minutes later]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Hmmmmm. Hmmm. Huh? Oh, my wake up call! It sounds like Bryan was the lucky one to shower first this morning. Trouble with the hot water?

"P...P...P...PINK.....PINK...STUFF.....PINK STUFF IN THE SHOWER!!!"

Oh, what joy! The best thing is that they won't even know it was me.

"...AND IT SMELLS LIKE THE GARDEN! AAAAAH!"

Well, it looks like they have at least cleaned up some of the mess, and here's Julie with Kitty-Treats! Mmmm. You know if she wasn't so stupid she'd probably make a good Bond girl. But from what I've seen in her wardrobe I think all she's qualified for is Bondage girl. Damn, they even got new cereal for the kids. I wish my piss wasn't so yellow cuz they'd never have noticed. There's one thing I'll bet they haven't seen yet though. Now how can I draw their attention to it without lowering myself to a 'Lassie' performance of sniffing, panting and nodding? I suppose I could just jump up and hit the power switch. There we go. Now to open the CD tray and turn up the volume . . .

"KERRY, TURN THAT STEREO OFF!"

"But I didn't turn it on."

"JUST DO AS YOUR FATHER SAYS, KERRY."

".....DADDY! DADDY! Sweetpea poo-poo'd! Sweetpea poo-poo'd!"

Try wiping that pile off Vivaldi's Four Seasons.

"TIDDLES! I don't know what's gotten in to you this morning. You've been a very bad cat. Very, very bad. You'll be lucky if we keep you after this display. We'll have to discuss your future when we get back. Come on everyone, I need to drive to work in 2 minutes - I'll drop you all off. Hurry!"

It's difficult to take a guy seriously when he has cat vomit dripping from his face. And anyhow, there will be no family discussion later. For this family, there will be no return home for quite a while. My 'piece de resistance' is on its way. They forgot to lock the door to the garage last night. I gnawed away at a few pipes under the car and hey presto! When Bryan McMuffin tries out those brakes in the middle of the freeway, he'll be in for a surprise. As will Julie and all the little McMuffins.

"OK kids, you all ready?"

"Bryan, you still have some on your eyebrow."

"Oh...er...thanks dear. So come on, or we'll all be late. And we will deal with you later, Tiddles."

Yeh, sure. The only thing you'll be dealing with is hospital bed pans. By the time you get back I will be gone - long gone. I'll have freedom, good food, and the pussy next door. I'm much smarter than the average cat. So much smarter.